What to Know about Funeral Etiquette

Funeral etiquette – getting it right

Whether you are attending a funeral for the first time or not, it is comforting to know about funeral etiquette. Everyone wants to do the right thing and not do the wrong thing.

Attendance

Funerals are typically open to everyone. However, funerals may be “invitation only”. Check the obituary for any statement to the effect of “private family service”. You can also contact the commercial funeral provider or someone close to the decent to verify.
If you receive an invitation and cannot attend, a prompt reply and simple explanation for your absence will be appreciated.
Arrive on time and leave when the funeral ends. The family or funeral director will indicate if there are any subsequent events such as burial or a social gathering.

Attire

The focus on funeral attire should be on paying respect to the deceased and providing emotional support to the decedent’s family. Wearing appropriate attire sends a message that you understand the seriousness of the occasion and respect the feelings of the decedent’s loved ones.

Style: Funeral apparel should be modest, respectful and conservative. A suit jacket is a good choice for both men and women. Women should choose a business dress, skirt or trousers. Dress shoes should be worn rather than sandals or sneakers. Jeans are not appropriate for most funerals (unless the family has requested that everyone dress casually).
Colors: Muted, dark colors such as black, charcoal gray and navy blue are befitting for both men and women.
Resources: If your wardrobe doesn’t include clothing that is formal enough for a funeral, consider buying or borrowing a few basic pieces. If you are unlikely to wear such attire in the future, consider second hand stores like Goodwill. While they may not have a complete suit, they will have a selection of formal separates. Some cities also have specialty thrift stores catering to corporate employees.

Contributions

It is natural to want to make final gestures of appreciation when a loved one passes. Consider making one or more of the following offers:

To provide transportation for individuals or funeral supplies.
To host out-of-town mourners.
To leave a ready made meal with the family so that they don’t have to think about meal preparation.
To contribute financially to any fund specified by the family – especially to cover funeral costs.

Some contributions are best to leave to the family to request such as delivering a eulogy, being a pall bearer, etc. Families may have created a detailed funeral service plan appointing individuals to specific tasks.

Condolences

It’s natural to want to say something meaningful and unique. With condolences, it is better to be simple.

Keep condolences brief. Ex. “I am sorry for your loss.” “I am going to miss him/her.”
Don’t worry about being trite.
Offer whatever emotional or physical support that you are able.
Send a condolence card – even if you have spoken with the family. It is a reminder of your sympathy. Some families keep and revisit funeral cards. Send the condolence card within a week of a death.

Conversation

Funerals are a social occasion. People share memories of the decedent. Families reunite. It is important to be particularly vigilant of appropriate conversation topics at this time.

Don’t ask questions about the cause or circumstances of death.
Don’t ask about the decedent’s possessions.
Don’t discuss negative or sensitive topics. Avoid the usual out-of-bound topics like religion, politics and sex.
Don’t question decisions made pertaining to the funeral. Ex. If the decedent is being buried, don’t suggest that the decedent wished for cremation.
Don’t monopolize family members who will need to circulate among all mourners.
Don’t be offended if family members seem distracted.

Tradition

While our society is becoming more casual, funerals still mostly adhere to tradition.